IS DRUG ADDICTION A DISEASE?

When I first learned that my daughter, Jennifer, was using heroin, I truly believed it was something she could beat. After all, she had withdrawn. Didn't withdrawal mean it is no longer in your system? I realized how hard it was to go cold turkey when she told me about her body caving in during the withdrawal week. That's why I was so sure we could move ahead. Boy, was I naive. 

"Addiction" doesn't go away just because someone withdraws. When I began my "Recovery Journey" with Jennifer, I went to numerous meetings. Some of the facilities she stayed at required you, the family member, to participate in order to see your family member. I wanted to seem totally supportive, so I went.

When I attended these meetings, the leaders and the participants would talk about drug addiction as a "disease." Disease? No--not in my mind. "Choice" was more like it. I believed addicts had a choice whether or not they wanted to pic up that needle and insert it into their body. And I stuck with that thought for many years.

The way I made peace with Jennifer's death is by changing my stand. I do believe that addiction is a disease. I also believe that the only time the addict has a choice is before the first needle of heroin enters the body. It is like injecting "cancer cells" in the body that overtakes it. When someone with an addiction has a clean period, they are in drug "remission." When they are using, it's as if the cancer has raised its ugly head. 

This is how I view addiction. How do you feel? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

GRATTITUDE FOR THE ATTITUDES!

I have been receiving so many heart warming letters and phone calls from people who have read my book Jennifer Needle in My Arm. It's amazing how many people have had their families destroyed by drugs through a family member who was unable to fight the addiction with any success.

I've learned through the road of disaster that there comes a time when you have to say to yourself, "My child is not here. That's a demon that has taken over her body and soul." That is the only way I could describe it.

I remember Jennifer being so proud when she brough home her DARE certificate when she was ten years old. She knew how my brother's death from drugs had impacted all of our family--especially her grandmother. She used to tell me, "Mommy, why is Uncle Lance making grandma so sad all of the time?" It was hard to explain this away to my little daughter who was only seven at the time. Eventually I told her that her uncle had an illness called drug addiction. She told me, "Ma, you know you never have to worry that will happen to me."

She was ten years old. Who could predict that within 10 years, she would be traveling the same road as her uncle.

I still have that certificate from DARE. Just don't have my daughter.
xoxBonnie
 

THANK YOU FOR THE OUTPOURING OF SUPPORT

This week I received so many lovely notes and letters regarding my book about Jennifer's journey to hell with heroin. It hurt me to read some of the letters of people who were willing to share their obstacles with drugs from either their own experience or their family member's experience. I remember going through so much emotional turmoil during this period of time. There is nothing worse than feeling helpless to help your child when you see her falling into a deep pile of quicksand.

I want to let you know there are people who recover. I have met them. Not many of them, but a few. It's not a good percentage especially when it comes to heroin addiction. You see your child move from being your baby into being a monster whom you don't recognize anymore. When that evil spirit goes away for a while during a recovery period, you feel so optimistic that this will be the time.

For most heroin addicts, it is only a matter of time. The drug won't let you lose no matter how you fight it. It is just too, too strong. All we can do is try to understand this and remember our children the way they were before this started screwing up their lives. My daughter wasn't born a monster. She was a little angle full of love, smiles, and kisses. Heroin turned her into a monster by taking over her body. Addicts have perfected the methods of lying to other in order to get what they want--namely their drugs.

It would be easy to remember not only Jennifer, but my brother Lance, in that light. But I choose not to. I choose to remember my happier days with both of them before drugs entered their bodies and destroyed them.

Jennifer and Lance--rest in peace. I love you and miss you both! xooxoxo

LAUNCHING THE BOOK

Today I officially sent out notices to my friends, family, and acquaintances announcing the publication of Jennifer Needle In Her Arm. What surprised me the most was the number of responses I received "thanking" me for writing the book from people who knew others who could use a book like this. I've known for a long time that drugs have permeated our society covering every nook and cranny of the earth. Even if you haven't experienced this in your immediate family, in most cases it isn't too far behind--a cousin, an uncle, a niece, or a nephew.

When I sat attending meetings at the numerous rehabs that Jennifer "recovered" at, they used to tell me that drug addiction is a "disease." I had a hard time buying into that for a long time. A disease....interesting. My sister has MS--and that's a disease. She didn't pick it--it picked her. She didn't have control over it--it controlled her. How could it be a "disease"?

I learned after traveling the addiction road with my daughter that it truly was a disease. It was an avoidable disease before you put the needle in your arm, but after it starts, the disease sets in.

How do you feel about drugs? Disease? Choice? Stoppable once you get on them?
Let me know your thoughts.

WELCOME--AND I'M SORRY YOU ARE HERE

My name is Bonnie Kaye. I am a counselor and have worked in the field of relationship counseling for over 30 years. I am also the mother of a daughter lost to me at the age of 22 from her three-and-a-half year journey with the drug heroin. In my new book "Jennifer Needle in Her Arm" I talk about the pain that the parents of children go through as their children are sitting and killing themselves day by day. There is nothing worse than feeling helpless to save your drowning child. There is nothing worse than wondering what kind of a parent you were not to see a pain in your child that was so great that he or she had to get numb with needles in their arms, fingers, feet, and toes. 

Jennifer died in 2002. It has taken me 12 years to finish writing my story, her story, our story and her words into a book that would help others come to terms with this disaster. I hope that by sharing stories, we can connect on our road to recovery and overcome the pain that comes with the death of a child. Welcome along for the ride on the recovery train.